You are absolutely right. Screw pilgrims, Indians, and being thankful. What's the Mayflower again? Isn't it a truck? We don't need a national history! Give us Barbra Streisand! From now on, National Barbra Streisand Day, or National BS Day for short, is going to replace Thanksgiving around here. All hail BS!

Joey

P.S. The Way We Were STILL makes me cry no matter how many times I hear it!

"God"? Wow, another letter from myself! Um, what are you talking about? I never spelled Babs's name wrong. In any case, I respected her enough to capitalize it. One of the basic rules of our language is the capitalization of names. Since you didn't even bother to follow such a fundamental guideline, you obviously don't care anymore about Ms. Streisand than someone who spells her name wrong. For the record, the person who wrote the letter in question spelled it, "siestran." As an advice columner, it is my duty to respond to letters and only to letters. I have no obligation to know anything about Barbra Streisand or anyone mentioned in any letter I am sent. At least I knew how it's pronounced. And did I make fun of her? I said she should be designated a holiday, I stated her initials, and I noted my favorite song of hers. I didn't make anything up. Nothing was unfounded. Furthermore, it disturbs me that you chose to ignore the blatant badmouthing of America, the country that has stolen the name of two entire continents for itself, in my response. Natives being referred to as Indians? It's not politically correct! Really now, people, if you're going to misinterpret any of my sarcasm, misinterpret something important. Life as we know it could function without BS. It would be completely different without the good ol' U.S. of A. (unless of course you're one of my British fans, in which position life would probably go on as you knew it)

And for diary information, please read up. Status hasn't changed.

Joey

dear joey:
please give me advice on how i can become as wise as you. while you're at it, please,
help the rest of the world out too. how did you come to be able to solve all of
the world's problems?

p.s. avenue q is boring.
p.p.s.s. my lack of capitalization is my own little protest against man's inhumanity
to man. plus the fact that las vegas academy keeps giving my ex-boyfriend lead roles.

me and all of us

Dear "my signature makes less and less sense with every letter,"

I suppose it is time to reveal my deepest, darkest secret. Behold, for the first time in history, the story of how I came to be so wise:

It all began three years ago. My eleven-year-old self was sitting on the couch watching Johnny Bravo, when suddenly there was a loud crack and Floyd, the great Platypus God, materialized out of thin air right in my family room!

"Joey," he said. "I have come to share with you the great secret of life."

"Gee," I said. "I dunno, will it take long? I've got a spelling bee tomorrow. I've got to read the dictionary a few more times."

"No, it won't take long," Floyd said. "What I've come to tell you is..."

But in that moment an enormous raven flew through my window and ripped the Platypus God's head right off his shoulders, spilling brains and pieces of spine all over the carpet. Then he flew out laughing in a ridiculously silly voice.

"No! I was about to learn the great secret of life!" I screamed in agony.

So I went down to UMC and got an operation done where I had Floyd's brain implanted into my head. Since then I have sifted through the many things the God had learned before his untimely demise, trying to figure out which piece of thought may have been the great secret of life. In the meantime, I have been becoming the wisest person on Earth while feeding off all the other things he knew. So if anyone out there wants to become as wise as me, you'll have to wait until another great Platypus God materializes in front of you. Sorry, it's the only way you'll ever match up with me.

Joey/Floyd mind hybrid

P.S. Avenue Q is not boring. It is one of the greatest musicals ever written.

*P.P.S. Well congratulations. I'm sure that not capitalizing names will help make your problems much easier to deal with.

well joey, at least you finally got a decent looking picutre on your home
page. can't you put some sound onto it so people can hear me sing about people being
the happiest people in the world? you know too, don't you, that people who like
me are the gayest people in the world. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
But if you'd ever like to meet my cousin Brucey let me now.

By the way. do you have any advice on how to stuff a live turkey?

barbara

Dear Barbra,

You caught me. I have indeed all this time been a closet lesbian. Behold, for the first time in history, what "Joey Hines" REALLY looks like:

So sorry, but tell Brucey I'm not interested. And it just so happens I DO have advice on how to stuff a live turkey!

Joey Hines Presents

HOW TO STUFF A LIVE TURKEY

Step 1: Find a live turkey.

You probably won't get past that, so I'll just stop there.

Joey

Dear Joey,

i lost my turkey , Gobbles . i dont know where to find him . Can you help
me ?

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Go to Vons. He's in the frozen turkey cart. It's after Thanksgiving so he'll probably be cheap.

Joey