October 2005

Help me, I think someone is stalking me. All I know is that his name is
Joe and his last name begins with an H. I think he is watching me when I do my laundry.
I heard that he drinks soap and paint mixed. Any Advice? I know he's there.....

All right, buddy, I appreciate your impressive imagination, but this advice column is for people who really need help. I understand that you are trying to express yourself through your art, but it really isn't funny to make up stories. Also, you might not want to tell anyone else about this... I heard that you might accidentally get poisoned or pushed down the stairs if you keep that up...

P.S. I do not drink soap and paint mixed! I mean, this COMPLETELY IMAGINARY person PROBABLY does not drink soap and paint mixed... and you might want to try using a different detergent, just so you know.

Okay, I guess you just can't take a hint, but I don't like you at all! You seriously need to stop writing my advice column. If you were sitting cold and naked in a pit of rabid wild pigs, do you know what I would do? I would LAUGH. I would laugh my friggin' head off. That's how much you mean to me. You got it? I never, under any circumstances, wanna hear another word from you! Anyway, in situations like this, you should always try your best to not hurt this girl's feelings whatsoever. Tell her that she means a lot to you, but you just want to be friends right now. You could even make up some story that you already have a girlfriend if you want, and feed her a cheesy "maybe someday" line. Girls don't mind you lying to them if you're really nice about it. Or if you're really hot.

Okay, here's the deal Dr. Joe. Bush is a pain in my wazoo. A big pain. Very big. Not as big as his vocabulary though...because that's small. Har har har. (Damn I'm such a loser) Anywho Dr. Joe: I was a-ponderin' about goin' to our country's beautiful New York city and throwing a penny off of the empire. Here's the thing though Doc, I want it to hit Bush. Hopefully a killin' him. Ya know? Is this myth true or just a raddlin-my-bones? Is a penny big enough to squish his small IQ and his big assed ugly monkey face? Yours truly, Dick Chaney.

That would certainly work, but I wouldn't waste perfectly good money if I were you. I mean, that's a whole penny right there! It's George Bush we're talking about! Just use a paper clip or one of those little Monopoly houses. Heck, a blade of grass would be strong enough to take down Bush! Nevermind, you know what, you can just go stand there on top of the Empire State Building and let the bacteria and dust naturally float off your body and that'll probably do the job. By the way, can you put in a good word for me up there in the White House? Maybe spread the word about the website a little? Thanks a lot, look forward to doing business with you again.

Okay, for future reference, please try not to submit questions you can answer yourself. Let's analyze this problem. You're in theater, completely by your own choice. You keep getting lead roles, which again, is preventable by simply auditioning badly or not auditioning at all. And you're worried because your friends are jealous of you, which is not preventable because you are not telekinetic and cannot change their minds for them. Thank about all that for a second. Obviously, the only conclusion here is to kill your friends. Please don't write me again unless your problem actually takes some work to solve.

This is the single most beautiful letter I have ever recieved. I believe it speaks for itself and does not need my additional comments. Thank you, and kindly never visit my site again.

I have two problems. First, I can't figure out how to make this board do
what I want it to do. I try to read the messages and I can't. And I am not stupid.
I am very bright.

My second problem is, how should I handle a rude advice columnist? I'm a very beautiful
girl. Should I use my beauty to get him to stop abusing me?

What exactly is it you want this board to do? Everyone should be able to read messages. If you cannot do this, you will have to adjust the settings on your computer. The refresh button is very useful when dealing with the message boards. If you'd like to post and get your own opinions out rather than just sit and read, you will have to register, which can be done on the top of the page where it says, "register." Then you should be able to do whatever you want except for administrative activities like deleting users and playing with people's post counts, which only I can do.

As for your second problem, I think you need to respect advice columnists a little bit more. They have to deal with literally dozens of letters from conceited people over the course of a year. It's a very tough job, some say more dangerous than being a police officer or in the military. Also, your beauty will not save you. Advice columnists are of the rare breed that can see into someone's soul just by reading a letter. Your beauty's obviously only skin deep, anyway. Actually on second thought it might not even be THAT deep.

The problem I have is that I have seen Joey Hines in a play and I thought
he was fabulous. He made me think what it was like when someone close to you dies.
But on this site, he acts like an a-hole. And I don't know why. Can Joey the actor
be the same person as Joey the a-hole advice columnist?

Wow! I don't remember ever writing to myself! I better get that checked out with my doctor. What's that split-personality thing called again? Bulimia? Anyway, this is yet another silly question. Boy, we've been getting an awful lot of those lately. Let's analyze (I hate analyzing): In Bridge to Terabithia, I portrayed a young man who is in tears after his best friend is killed partially due to his own mistakes. It is a very personal story and one that took a lot of digging into my own mind in order to figure out exactly how I would play it out to the audience. On this website, I portray an absolute loser who has nothing better to do with his life than start a friggin' advice column where he never gives anyone any real help. Which do you REALLY think was the acting job, my deep sorrow over my loss or my unfounded insults towards innocent people?

Yes, it was obviously Bridge to Terabithia that I was only joking around in. Sorry, but that's why they call it a play!

Dear Joe,
Why don't you awnser my calls? You never call me back! I HATE YOU!!! I used to
love you. Now I want to die, because you don't anwser when I call you. Oh, and I
was me who stuck the gum in your hair when you were sleeping. Yeah thats right!
SWEET REVENGE!!! AHHHHHHH HAAAAAHHHHAAH MWA HAHAHAHAH MWA HAHA!!!! AHHHHHH!! AHHHHHHHHH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MWA HAHAHAH!!!! EEEEEEAAAAEEEAAA!!!! KAKAKAKAKA!

Bob Scabochie

You know what, I told you to stop calling me months ago! And that's obviously not the only way you're behind the times. Gum in your hair is totally the new style. Duh! Oh and I can still beat you in nonsense-screaming anyday! AHAHAH! AHAFAHAHEHR! BLAHBLAHBURKKKKKKKE! HOOBYDOOBYCHOOBYNOOBA! HIGITUS-FIGITUS! MRAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

So, Mr. Advice Columnist, if I were to play a scene where I was upset at
a friend's death, and I was partially responsible, how would you advise I approach
it? My problem is I giggle too much onstage. If my friend is supposed to be dead,
I guess I shouldn't be giggling. So what should I do?

Wow! Another letter from myself! Tell me, Joey, if you are me, then why are you asking how I did something, if, based on the fact that we are the same person, you have already done it? Anyway, usually the easiest way to decide on what emotions to convey when you are acting is to draw from your personal experiences, which is what I did when playing that particular role. If you need to know how to act when your best friend dies, and your best friend has never died, you will simply have to go kill your best friend. I'm disappointed, you clearly aren't an avid reader of this column, I gave someone this same advice in the fifth letter this month... in fact, that one was from another person who refused to leave your name... don't tell me you haven't even followed my advice yet? See, all your problems would've been solved if you had just taken my word for it!

Okay, Joey, here's my problem.
I would like to hire someone to assassinate you because you are such a dusseldorf.
But I don't know anything about how to go about trying to hire an assassin. You
seem like the type of low-life who would know about these things. Can you help me
hire someone to kill you? I'd really appeciate it.

I really need to check myself into a psychologist. Well, if you really are Joey, why do you want to kill me, and thus sequentially end your own life? Also, if you really are Joey, why would you need me to tell you about my underworld connections, which are also your underwold connections? Anyway, if you really need help that badly, you can find some great armed assassins at this number: 911. Just call up and tell them you're looking for someone willing to kill this advice columnist who you don't like and I'm sure they'll be happy to assist you.

Wow, you're right, Joey, I called 911, and all the policemen there, including
the SWAT team, knew you and were willing to do the deed. But I don't know, I felt
guilty, since I work with Rainbow Company, and I decided to give you one more chance
before I have your brains splattered on a Vegas sidewalk. So good luck. Try not
not piss me off. And maybe you will live a long life.

Um... did you say "try not not piss me off"? I'm guessing you mean "try not to not piss me off," and that's a double negative. I guess I better piss you off if I want to maybe live a long life. But hey, why piss you off? Sure, I could live a long life and have tons of fun doing it, but if you kill me now you'll only be making me more famous and appreciated. There is an unwritten rule that anyone who dies young must obviously be a hero. I could act like Hitler, but if I die at fourteen I'll be written into history as "tragically misunderstood" and someone who "touched everyone he met." People will say, "No! You can't change his website at all, this is what he was spending his last moments of life doing!" I guess, even though you asked me to piss you off if I want to live, I'll be nice to you. Cause hey, then I get to be famous!

And anyway, I don't believe you'd have the nerve to kill me, because after all, you are ME, and I know that I don't have any suicidal tendencies.

Joey

Dear Joey,
First off, I am calling myself "It" this time, since "Me" seems
to really confuse you. My new problem is, I have an ingrown toenail that hurts a
lot. And my feet itch and smell. Apart from that, I am a very beautiful girl who
everyone wants to date. But I always have to make sure I keep my shoes on. What
should I do?

Good to hear from you when you're not sending me death threats. For your latest problem, I reccomend getting a huge tank of battery acid, and slipping your bare feet in it. Let soak for several hours or until problem is completely eliminated. This works with 100% efficiency.

Dear Joey,
Okay, I did as you suggested and soaked my feet in battery aicd. Yes, it took care
of the ingrown toenail and the smell. But now I have other problems. What do you
suppose I do about those?

I won't be able to help you with your "other problems" until you specify what they are. Contrary to popular belief, I cannot read minds. The only thing I can do for you is restore your faith in my advice. Now, when I snap my fingers, you will say, "Joey is right; he is always right; his word is law; he is Shere Khan and I am that fat loser King Louie; Amen."

I'm kinda pretty, and pretty damn smart. I like romantic things like music and art. And as you know I have a gigantic heart, so why, don't I have a boyfriend? Fuck! It sucks to be me.

You do not have a boyfriend because guys couldn't care less about your intelligence, your heart, or how romantic the things you like are. Guys care about one thing and only thing when looking for a girl: breast size. That's as deep as their feelings run. There are no exceptions to this rule. All apologies to the unlucky ones. If any guy ever falls for you, it'll probably be out of pity.

okay, joey...here's my problem...

just because you are trying to be funny, i don't think that it is fair that you
be cruel. there are many overweight girls who are good people, AND there are many
guys who like "hefty" women, and for you to make fun of overweight girls
on this board is unforgivable. have you ever thought about maybe just being thankful
for your blessings and not ridiculing others? do you think because you do this for
a laugh that it's okay? when i saw you in "bridge," i thought, this must
be a caring, sensitive, person who understands tragedy. now i think you are cruel.
go ahead, dismiss my post with a joke. but why not consider looking at people with
a kinder eye? does the world really need another howard stern?

Yes, in fact, I do believe that, because I write these responses for a laugh, what I am doing is perfectly okay. Laughing is something the world needs an awful lot of these days. What's the point of taking life seriously? Nothing about it makes any sense anyway. Maybe if we'd all lay back and examine the big picture rather than nitpick over the superficial details, there'd be a lot less trouble. I'm not saying we should all denounce our humanity and act extremely heartless, I think love is just as strong a force as laughter. Some people, however, let their seriousness in life bring them to a point where they get agressive about their beliefs. That really isn't necessary. You say that after reading my advice column, you no longer think I have an understanding of tragedy. Let me give you some news: behind every comedian is a lot of pain. I have seen some seriously messed up shit in my life. Unfortunately, depression and laughter tend to go hand in hand. It is an outlet by which you can break down your problems until they're funny. By the way, I don't understand exactly what you're accusing me of in this letter. I never made fun of overweight girls. I used the adjective "fat" when describing King Louie in a previous letter. You know, that singing orange monkey from The Jungle Book? I doubt he took any offense at what I said, seeing as he is a thirty-eight-year-old cartoon character. And if he is a girl, I think my childhood may have just been permanently tainted. In another letter, I stated that all guys look for in a girl is breast size. This was satire, meaning I do not believe this is morally correct, and described it to a point of ridiculousness in order to give an example of how little our world makes sense. Sadly, there are many guys who do think this way. I am not one of them, and if I was, you would be correct in thinking that I was pretty damn dumb, especially after describing those guys in such a derogatory manner. Besides, that wasn't even your letter, and the person the response was meant for didn't seem to be mad at me, so I don't know what your problem is if that is the incident you are referring to. Finally, I happen to look at people with a very kind eye. Just not people who write an advice column that says, "Need something? Can't help you, sorry," and then expect a serious answer in return.

P.S. As much of an idiot as Howard Stern is, I feel bad that he has to rummage through letters that are exponentially worse than this one.

dear joey,
Hmmmmm....Thank you for the very intelligent response to my last letter. It's nice
to know you really are a human being.