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BATCH 1   Dear Joey,        My dog ran away. I need help.        Signed,        Ana   Dear Ana,        Have you tried cheese? Walk outside and yell "cheese" as loud as you can. If that doesn't work, put out posters. Call everyone you know and ask them if they've seen it. Call the pound. They can help. Just don't bother me.        Sincerely,        Joey Dear Joey,       My rabbit is missing. It hopped out the door. I walked outside and tried to say, "Carrot!" Then I said "ribbit" about five times! But then, my cousin walked over and said, "It's a  snail, not a frog." Then my uncle walked over. He said, "No! That's all wrong, David! It's the Chicago Bullfrogs!" My sister walked over. She said, "All three of you are wrong. It's a monkey!" Oh no! What should I do, Joey?       Sincerely,       Amber    Dear Amplifier,       Dude, people like you are screwed up. Get off my site this instant. Soup eaters like you don't deserve to know about it.       Anyway, you should go to the shoe store with nothing but socks on and ask them for a cheeseburger. This probably won't get your rabbit back, but you'll look even stupider than you already are.       Sincerely,       Joey   Dear Fatso,       Advice columns are stupid. Get a freaking life.       Sincerely,       Frank   Dear Frank,       Do you eat cats?       Sincerely,       Fatso(Joey)    joey hi my name is unknown and i need to ask you a question.My question is are you reallysmart or are you just saying that. I think your lying about your smartness. just in-case you were wondering this is a hatemail good by   Unknown   Dear Unknown(if that is your real name),       Okay, people, if you're going to send me something, send me something intelligent. Also, make sure you use spel chek.       Sincierly,       Joey(who is reallysmart)   BATCH 2  Dear Joey, How can I get my mom to stop watching Oprah? I hate Oprah. also my mom watches Dr.Phil. They are the most retarded people I no in the entire world. the thought of Oprah makes me want to eat Twinkies and give people with problems stuff so I look good. The thought of Dr.Phil makes me want to be friends with someone like zack.... or joey.... sincerely, Oprah Haters Anonymous Dear Representative,       Your letter has inspired me. If your company does not mind, I may start an OHA section on my site. Anyway, a good way to stop your mom is to pull out an uzi and blow her head off. And um, do you really think eating twinkies is that bad? Also, towards the end of your letter, I sense a hint of sarcasm. Was that intentional?       Sincerely, Joey(new member of OHA) Dear Joey,       My friend crossbreeds his cats and dogs.       Sincerely, Bradley Dear Bradley,       We're sorry, Joey freaked out and fainted upon reading your letter. Whenever possible, he'll get back to you.       Sincerely, The Joe's Junk Editors Dear Joey,        I have 10 IQ points for every 4 IQ points my friend has, who I'm not going to name (Bradley). Does that mean that he is a spy trying to destory O.A.H. before it even starts? Ohh one more thing. Does my oversized novelty hand make Brad look fat? From, Mr. T   A.K.A. Founder of O.A.H.  A.K.A. Homosidelpyromaniac Boy  A.K.A. Zach Dear Zach,       Yes, he is a spy. I recommend you pick up your nearest shotgun and blow his head off. Unfortunately, your oversized novelty hand does not make Brad look fat. He just is fat.       Sincerely, Joey   Dear Joey,       My pet turd ran away on purpose. I yelled at the top of my lungs and said," Toilet water," but no sign of him. Do you think you can help me on this.                                    sincerely,                                         Fabian Lopez Dear Fabian,     Anyone who keeps a pet turd is an idiot. I feel very bad for you.     Anyway, try making little flush noises with your mouth or even bringing your toilet outside. If that doesn't work, well I don't know what to tell you buddy.       Sincerely,       Joey         dear joey,       how can u tell if someone is gay? my friend is just such a colorful person that i want to know..........   i mean come on..he likes pie ( 3.14 7/22 )         Sincerely,       Bradley   Dear Bradley,       It's a very simple method. If their name is Zach, they're gay. If it isn't, they might still be but there is a chance that they're not.             Sincerely,       Joey         Dear joey I have a problem. my butt keeps growing mushrooms on it. and it iches.please help me.                 sinserly,   Ashley     Dear Ashley,       Dr. Scholls worked for me.         Sincerely,       Joey         Dear Joey,            It's me fabian. I was wandering how do I register on your website. I'm having problems with the password part could you please help me ?   Dear Fabian,       Registering on my website is a simple process. Go beneath the giant toilet on the front page. Click on the Joe's Junk Message Board. After that, go click on register at the top of the screen. It will ask for a username and e-mail address. Click "I Agree" at the bottom, then go check your e-mail. It should explain the rest.         Sincerely,       Joey         Dear Joe,   My friend likes this guy and hes a real beauch!! (if you know what i mean) She really likes him and she cant get over him but she has to! How can she stop liking him? Sincerly, allie   Dear Allie,       Love is a mysterious and difficult thing. Luckily, I came up with a way to deal with all your problems. This method can be found in my new book: Duplicity Examined. Go out and buy it for the highest price you can find. In fact, purchase a few dozen copies. I'm sure your friends will find it useful as well. Sincerely, Joey (Please note: Book does not exist. Do not bombard me with questions about being able to find it.)         Dear Joe, This person which i will not name is confusing.The person thinks im anoying but still talkes to me? and he doesnt like me as a friend? (i heard it from the persons cousin). what should i do? :(    From, depresed :( Dear Depressed,       I think it's a safe bet this person still likes you. The whole thing was probably just a really big misunderstanding. I think you shouldn't let it hit you too hard, and continue life as if it didn't happen. It's a forgive and forget thing.         Sincerely,       Joey   BATCH 3   Dear joey why are you so stupid all you need is to delete your advice colome and make a hundred write a Q. or you will die. instede ove a advice colome.   Dear... you...      Be glad you didn't leave your name, or else I'd have to kill you.      Sincerely,      Joey   Dear Joe, My friends brother doesnt ware socks with his shoes and his feet smell really bad. Hes only 4 years old and he wont ware socks how can we make him ware socks? From, Allie :)   Dear Allie,        Simple. Find out his favorite movie. Say it's The Lion King. What you need to do is film your own Lion King sequel, and every two frames slip in a picture of someone with socks on. After he watches it over and over again, he'll get the idea.        Sincerely,        Joey   Dear Joey, Hypothtical question. If Brad calls me a name. Should I kick him hard in the shins. From, Zach   Dear Zach,        Hypothetically, yes. Just don't kill anybody...          ...that's my job...                Sincerely,        Joey   Dear Joey, Does Oprah eat beavers? From, Zach   Dear Zach,        Most likely.        Sincerely,        Joey   Dear Joey, Another Hypothetical question... What if I already did?   Dear Zach,      Um... okay, get the keys and the phone, I'll give you my English-Spanish dictionary. Que hora es?      Sincerely,      Joey   Dear Joey, If I'm supposivly gay according to your website... What would that make Brad? From, Zach   Dear Zach,        YOUR MOM!        Sincerely,        Joey   Word up B-rad I just thought I'd send you this annoying e-mail. Well, let's get straight to the annoying part. Your Grandma's high school prom date's former roomate's son's coisin. Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Should  I? Well, let's think of the MAJOR consiquence of sending this letter... you'll probably send an e-mail back that has mean stuff, which follows into you hitting me repeatidly in the arm then posting something on joey's website. Then the memory will stay in my head giving me childhood trama, which would mke me paranoid and scared about stuff (like going in the deapend of my sandbox) and make me grow up to be a homosidelpyromaniac (which would make start to listen to that leprecaun I found on that one rock). If not I'll just me that one guy you see on infomertals saying," This product worked for me," in order to make a few bucks. Ohh well... From me(zach) PS To late I did!!!   Dear Zach...        Um... okay...        Sincerely,        Joey   Dear Joe, This is kind of odd asking you but your the only person i would know to ask.Anyway, this boy likes this one girl and she doesnt like him and he said he wanted to ask her out but she doesnt want to! what should she do? With out breaking his heart!? Another bad thing is her friend likes the dude that likes her but he doesnt like her friend! Sincerley, Allie   Dear Allie,        Quite frankly I don't know.        Sincerely,        Joey   Dear Joey, What should I do if I have hemoroids? From, B-rad   Dear B-rad,        See Batch 2, question 2.        Sincerely,        Joey   Dear Joey, I looked and looked, but I can't find your book anywhere. Please help, I need something to read when my long constapated moments occur. From, B-rad   Dear B-rad,        I hate you, I really do. As for your long constipated moments, try Uncle John's Bathroom Reader. Best book series. Ever.       Sincerely,       Joey   Dear Joey,       My sister keeps eating yellow snow. My mom keeps telling her not to, but it tastes very good. why is she telling us not to eat yellow snow.                                     sincerly,  jjay   Dear jjay,      ..-.     Sincerely,     Joey   Dear Joey,    My dog ran away. Its name is fartfanuger and no one found her yet. I would be able to find her because she stinks so bad. But I dont seem to smell her bad smell anyware!! What should I do? From, Allie   Dear Allie,        Get your friend's stinky little brother. History has shown that smelly people seem to have some kind of psychic connection.         Sincerely,         Joey   dear joey   i fart too much. it smells really bad, and it makes my wife and kids really mad, especially when they're trying to eat dinner.   what can i do to fix this problem?   love, uncle rick.   Dear HANNAH,      You should be accquainted with Fartfanuger and the smelly 4-year old kid. If you don't find help there, Beano is reliable.       Sincerely,       Joey   Dear Joey,    My friend, well i dont know if were friends anymore. Well shes acting weird shes getting mad for the most simplest reasons and now out of the blue shes saying that we cant be friends! :( what should i do? I mean she wont tell me why and she wont talk to me! :( Sincerley, Allie :(   Dear Allie,        It will pass, if it hasn't already. Things like this always do.        Sincerely,        Joey   Dear Joey,   My friend gets depressed alot, what should she do? Her life isnt really the easiest in the whole world rate now and i want to know how to make it alittle bit better as much as i can. What should i do? Or what should she do? Sincerley, Allie :|   Dear Allie,        Um... I'm not Miss Cleo, sorry.        Sincerely,        Joey   Dear Joey,        Who's hotter, Stephanie or Rachel?        Sincerely,        Bradley   Dear Bradley,        Now, Brad, that was a stupid question and I'm not going to answer it. I mean, if Stephanie was reading this and found out I think Rachel's hotter than her she'd be very mad.         Sincerely,         Joey   Dear Joey,    My friend likes this guy, and he likes her. She asked him out but he never said anything. She thinks he doesnt like her anymore and hes getting really mad at her now. Shes afraid to mention anything to him because she doesnt want him to get mad! What should she do? Love, Trouble Teen ;)   Dear Trouble Teen,        Talk to him. If he gets mad at her for being honest it was never a relationship at all.         Sincerely,         Joey   Dear Joey,     What if shes to nervous to talk to him? I mean he gave her an answer but it wasnt a sraight answer. Sincerley, Troubled teen   Dear Troubled teen,        Too bad.        Sincerely,        Joey