ho ho ho!
where you must be asking?
well, welcome to las vegas. ho's are everywhere- especially christmas.
don't have
to worry about being un-cool anymore; santa even makes sure he has at least three
of them every year. well,
during christmas at least. don't really get the holiday
anyway. it's just an excuse to see what friend loves you more and
which ones are
cheap bastards. plus, what's the deal with those santa clauses at the mall and other
areas? honestly-
it's an excuse for poor, fat, and old ugly white americans with
a pedophile lust for children. come here little kiddies,
i have a candy cane just
for you! come on, freakin michael jackson is white enough to be the supreme santa.
although
he isn't old, he still has that creepy ho voice going on. i think 'thriller'
really got him the job. madonna made him a
run for his money though....
how did the term fruit cake come around? it's a food we eat on this three-hoed holiday.
you
can't be a fruit cake in literal terms. i want to be grilled asparagus....but
that'll never happen so you people can't
be fruit cakes nor fruit loops. deal.
anyway. here's a little christmas 'w'rap for you all. get it? ahh i need a life.
ho
ho ho woke up this morning with a scary feeling, realized it was november first,
ooh my god christmas is nearing. what's
a jew to do i said, then i covered up my
head, prayed for sleep for two more months until the holy mess is over. wasn't
the
lucky, turned on the tv. beanie babies on the news. biggest selling gift this year,
what's a tired jew to do?!
don't
burn any trees. they'll beat you up when you're reincarnated a bird. bitches.
---
L337
D33P Think3R
Wow. Just... wow. Thanks for the essay. Don't know if it's really a plea for help... well, not in the way this
advice column functions anyway. It is, nonetheless, an astounding piece of literature. I'll just kind of leave it up here
for everyone to read... you can thank me later, when you're famous.
Wow. Just... wow.
hi its me jordan and tyler just left the room so im typing this all by
myself! um here is my problem.... i peed
in my brothers gym shorts... and now he
is after me... and after im done typing this to you i will go back and lock myself
in
my closet so he doesnt kill me. What should i do? type back asap! oh and i like
SPAM And REESES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Jordan collins
Dear Jordan,
Wow. Just... wow. Listen Jordan, Tyler may be big, but to tell you the truth, he's a wuss. I've known your brohammed
a long time. He couldn't hurt a fly. You ought to just march right out of that closet and say to him, "Hey punk! Whatchoo
gonna do, huh?" Then push him a couple times. Don't worry if he starts hitting you, it won't hurt, believe me. And don't worry
if it starts hurting, or starts bleeding or anything, just keep doing it, okay? Trust me. You might want to pee on some more
of his stuff, while you're at it.
Joey
P.S. Jordan, I think you're typing as good as Tyler now! In fact, you're typing EXACTLY THE SAME AS TYLER
DOES! Nice going, dude!
THE FOLLOWING IS OFFICIALLY THE LETTER OF THE YEAR:
my problem is thusly:
i just saw "miss nelson is missing" and I want to talk about it. so where
do i go on
your site to talk about it?
signed,
confused but still beautiful
Dear blind one,
You can talk about "Miss Nelson is Missing" at the one and only JOEY HINES: THE MESSAGE BOARD! In case you missed
it, there is a link to it on the very first page of the site. In fact, it's located right next to the information about the
show in question, exactly where it should be. It's that little part about, "Discuss 'Miss Nelson is Missing' with the community."
Click on that and you should be taken right to a nice little spot where you can discuss "Miss Nelson is Missing" with the
community. And as you know, I'm a considerative guy, and I can understand if people don't see something like that. So, when
you hit the main homepage of the site, the one that says JOEY HINES: THE EXPERIENCE at the top, there's a HUGE piece of text
that says, "JOEY HINES: THE MESSAGE BOARD." You can also just as easily reach the message board by clicking on that. And JUST
IN CASE, JUST IN CASE YOU'RE TOO LAZY TO GO BACK AND CLICK ON EITHER OF THOSE, I'M GOING TO PUT ANOTHER FREAKIN' HUGE LINK
RIGHT HERE IN THE ADVICE COLUMN FOR YOU:
There you go! Now all you have to do is go register and join in the chatting!
Seriously though, with my deepest respects,
Joey
P.S. The next person to ask where to go to talk about something will have a screwdriver run through their brain.
my advice to you joey, not thatyou asked, is that you should be patient
and kind with the people who are not as quick
to the way of the world as you are.
remember: extra power brains are a blessing from above. Also remember: if you decide
to
be nice to me, i just might let you touch one of my breasts.
me, god, us, it, all of it
Dear you,
I think you have sufficiently failed to understand how this advice column works. You see, in the box that says
"Problem," you type a problem, and I give you advice. Not the other way around. And "extra power brains" are a gift from above?
I smell a religious vendetta, and someone trying to get me to convert under the facade of "I just might let you touch one
of my breasts." Really now, what would your God have to say about that? Oh wait, I'm sorry, you ARE God, I forgot. Well I
suppose you make the rules, in that case. Not really much I can do now besides start being nice to people, since you willed
it. Stupid omniscient freak.
Joey
hey, joey, i want to give YOU some advice...it's very easy to put people
down, to make fun of them, in this howard
stern word of ours.......but i hoped you
were above that......okay, that's it...i like you as an actor....your performances
have
sometimes made me feel you spoke to me personally.......but now that I know
how mean you are, i cannot enjoy your performances
any more....Enjoy your mean jokes.....and
I say, shame on you...
Dear anonymously insulted,
I am sorry. I urge you, however, to listen to me.
I am not a conceited person. I'm really not. If you know me, I am extremely self-contained. I never know what
to say to people, I am always worried that whatever I do will have some negative effect on someone. I am quiet, and, more
often than not, really, really, really, really nervous. I'm not sure exactly how I got into the Rainbow Company, I can't improvise
a situation to save my life. I am not telling you this so that you can feel sorry for me, I'm telling you it because it's
true. With this in mind, and between you and me, I really do believe that I am one of the nicest people you will ever meet.
Again, I am not a conceited person. Really. However, the last thing I want to do with my precious time here on Earth is hurt
anyone. I am quite possibly one of the most loyal, trustable people you will ever get to know.
Which is where I come to the bulk of this response: you do NOT know me. Or perhaps you do, and I am completely
unaware of this. You are writing me with me no name signed, and therefore I have no idea whatsoever who you are. With a lack
of beforehand information on the writer, the most I can do is set out to entertain everyone else. And, given that the tone
of this advice column is rather cynical, responses can be rather mean. But alas, this is entertainment. It is a character,
as much an acting job as anything else you've seen me do. "Joey Hines: The Advice Columnist" and plain old Joey, the perfectly ordinary
humane person are two completely separate entities. Just because a writer writes something from a certain point
of view, doesn't mean he actually believes whatever that person believes. Did Edgar Allan Poe really murder people randomly
all the time? No. Does it make his work any less poignant? No. Writers write because they've got something
to say. I'll provide you with the words, and you can come to your conclusions. Your conclusion is that "Joey
Hines: The Advice Columnist" is a jerk. Guess what? I agree with you! It's rather obvious, I couldn't well write this without
knowing I was a jerk unless I was severely mentally handicapped. If I ever came across anyone like "Joey Hines:
The Advice Columnist," I would proudly punch him in the face! If you hate this advice columnist, I have done my job.
If you hate this advice columnist to the point where you stop reading his work, I am very sad, because I have plenty more
to say about the world that you are going to miss.
Here is the absolute best advice I could ever give you: laugh. Just laugh. Where in this world is there any evidence
anywhere that life's meant to be taken seriously? There was a quote I heard, I wish I could remember it completely and
who said it, but I can't so I shall paraphrase. God is a comedian playing to an audience that is too afraid to laugh. Really
now, is it better to be trying to start a revolution and be angry about it, or be laid back, not caring and happy?
You might say, "That's horrible, you're telling me I shouldn't try to make the world a better place!" Maybe if everyone
would stop trying and just get along, it would do it by itself.
I'll give you that again: laugh.
With all of my most sincere apologies and hopes that you have understood what has transpired in this reply,
Plain old Joey, the perfectly ordinary humane person
For future reference, folks, and people who don't feel like reading between the lines and want me to just come
out and be blunt, this advice column is a JOKE. If you actually want to talk to me or ask me about something, I encourage
you to use our message board or e-mail me at joeyhines@earthlink.net. Thank you and have a nice day.
Dear Joey,
Is there a special place for procrastinators to gather for rehab?
God knows I need it. And I'm quite
sure soaking my feet in battary acid will tell
me, 'Get your work done!' But I don't need that burning smell...
Victoria
Dear Victoria,
Obviously, battery acid gives off far too much of a burning smell. Sulphur Trioxide is a much better choice.
Though, if you're looking for a place that won't give you such forceful treatment, where you can just chill out
and discuss your problems, you can always try JOEY HINES: THE MESSAGE BOARD.
Joey
Dear Joey,
when are you going to put up the rest of the story!!!! im sick and tired
of waiting!!!!! oh guess what im going to
make a website too and you and andrew
are aloug to be part of it to, if you want, what do you think about that? Seriously
Tyler
I don't know. Really, I don't. I'd love to tell you it's all going to be up tomorrow, but life is unpredictable.
Writing takes more out of you than you'd think. Just know, however, that the longer I take to write it, the better it's going
to be. When I'm able to think about my work clearly, it always turns out much better.
Tyler, go ahead and give me a call or e-mail me at joeyhines@earthlink.net if you wanna discuss something like that. I'm not beyond the idea.
Joey
dear advice man:
why is the type suddenly so small in your advice column? did you brother Mike get
married? i think
you should have a section of the board where you write when you
want to about your life. all my friends want to hear more.
dear advice man:
why is the type suddenly so small in your advice column? did you brother Mike get
married? i think
you should have a section of the board where you write when you
want to about your life. all my friends want to hear more.
me
Dear me,
The type on my advice column is suddenly so small because of the layout change due to the holiays. You could
hardly tell before, but my responses were actually slightly bolder than yours. I have changed it back since the year is coming
to a close. My brother Mike is engaged to his girlfriend Andrea, and they plan to marry in March of 2007, giving them
plenty of time to prepare. I have considered putting up a blog or something similar to what you describe in your letter, and
it is quite possible it will happen in the future. For now, know that I tend to put most of my insight on life into my work
in the writing section, finding works of fiction to often be more relatable than my personal complicated scenarios, and also
that if anything REALLY important happens to me, you'll know about it here.
Joey
